26 Weeks! - A Blessing and New Concerns

On Thursday we officially hit 26 weeks!! I can't even explain the relief that I feel to have hit this milestone. It's not 28 weeks yet, but it is SO much better than where we started at. Our odds aren't perfect, but now the boys have a greater chance of surviving than not. The chance of complications/disabilities/chronic health conditions is still high...but there is a really good chance that my babies will live now. Are the odds perfect? No they are not. But they are better than they were and I am so thankful for that.

Nathan and I celebrated at midnight with cupcakes before bedtime. It was really special since he had planned to go spend the night at home that night, but ended up coming back with cupcakes instead.

Of course, we were quickly reminded that nothing is within our control. Everything was fine Thursday and Friday, but at 2:30 a.m. on Saturday morning I got out of bed to use the restroom. I felt the amniotic fluid leak like normal and didn't really think much about it since I leak more fluid at night after I have been sleeping for awhile. Unfortunately, this was nothing like normal. My usual clear/peach/pink fluid was red. I was bleeding somewhere. Even if you aren't dealing with the additional complications that I am, seeing blood is something that every pregnant woman dreads. In my case, it felt like I was a balloon that had been deflated. All of the happiness that I had been feeling after making it to 26 weeks went right out of me and I was brought back to reality. A reality that guarantees that not only guarantees that my babies won't make it to term, but also guarantees that they will be born so early that they will be at significant risk of not surviving and an ever higher risk of suffering from long term health and developmental difficulties. I had been so happy to make it to 26 weeks. Survival rates are pretty good at 26 weeks, but suddenly it wasn't nearly good enough. When faced with the reality of my babies being born at 26 weeks, the milestone didn't seem nearly as good as it had before.

I was put on the fetal heart rate and contraction monitors from 3 am until 6 am. The babies didn't appear to be in distress. I was having more contractions than usual, but they were random and didn't suggest labor yet. Ultimately, the doctors decided not to do anything about the bleeding. It wasn't enough blood to suggest a placenta problem. Chances are it was due to a change in my cervix...which is not really a comforting answer when you pray nightly for your cervix to stay closed. As time has passed, the amniotic fluid is returning to a pink tinged color which makes me hopeful that the bleeding has stopped. The boys are looking good whenever they are monitored. I am still having more contractions than I had been before all of this started. They aren't painful, but feeling my stomach tighten so often has me really worried. I had my blood drawn again today to check for signs of infection and my white count and CRP were just fine. My temperature is staying down and my belly isn't tender. It is just an awful feeling to know that even though I am not showing signs of infection that they would not stop preterm labor since that in itself would suggest that I was infected...ugh. Heaven forbid that preterm labor could just be because I am carrying twins and at a higher risk for it...

The situation is so incredibly frustrating, to know that there is nothing that I can do to help my boys. Every doctor has something a little different to say, but they all seem to agree that once something starts to happen...that's it. Luckily the bleeding wasn't enough to trigger the "deliver the babies now" series of events, but I certainly feel like we are walking on shaky ground these days. If only I wasn't having contractions, I could feel better about the bleeding slowing/stopping. I cried a lot yesterday...like a ton to be honest. And of course, the nurses want me to "take something for it." I declined. I am still pregnant and I do not want to put any extra and unnecessary chemicals into my system. I also don't think that my response to the situation was anything other than normal. How could you not cry? I am sitting here waiting for something bad to happen for weeks and then something bad happens. Corbin and Ronan mean more to me than I can even explain. I can hardly remember what life was like before I fell in love with this little wigglers in my tummy. They are my babies, not just some numbers or statistics. Of course the very real prospect of them being born at 26 weeks is enough to make me lose it for a little while. I just needed my day to cry. Today I am still scared and stressed, but my eyes have stayed dry and I am trying to find the hope again. I just needed to have my weak moment.

I feel like it is worth pointing out that while the odds at 26 weeks are pretty decent in general, that my little boys odds aren't quite as good as they could be. Boys generally fare worse than girls in the NICU, multiples fare worse than singletons in the NICU, and Caucasian babies fare worse than African-American babies in the NICU. We also aren't sure how long Ronan has been low on amniotic fluid...so his lung development might have been compromised during the critical stage between 20 and 24 weeks, which would lower his odds as well. The numbers game is awful, I don't know why I torture myself by thinking about it so much...but it's always there in my head.

For now, we will continue to try and stay hopeful. We are now 26 weeks and 3 days. Hopefully we can get to 27 and after that we will think about 28. For now we are praying that I don't show any signs of infection or go into preterm labor. All we can do is hope and pray and sit and wait for our fate to be decided for us. It has certainly been a lesson in faith, patience, and letting go of control. Hopefully I will be able to pull it together and get back to trying to enjoy this amazing miracles growing inside of me.

26 Weeks

Weight: They finally got around to weighing me and I am up to 154. (Up 18 pounds overall)
Due Date: August 22, 2013

Genders?: Both Boys!
Baby is the size of: An English Hothouse Cucumber?? (Length this time at about 14 inches)

Maternity Clothes?: Actually, I am just wearing much larger pajama/lounge pants and tank tops right now.
Emotions: It is really hard to even know how I feel right now. Lost might be the most accurate description.
Notable News or Events: Hitting 26 weeks!! Failing my 1 hour glucose tolerance test, uh oh. The previously discussed complications...

Movement?: Mmmhmmm...feeling them move is the most amazing thing in the world. 

Stretch Marks?: Nothing new to report on this front surprisingly enough.

Belly Button Status?: Still an innie, but definitely popping out more and more. 

Upcoming Appointments: Growth Ultrasound and 3 hour glucose tolerance test on Tuesday the 21st.

What People are Saying: People are still sending us lots of love and prayers and it means everything to us.