Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Sorry For Leaving Everyone Hanging

I realize that my last post left a lot unsaid and I never came back to update about what had happened or how  Corbin was doing. I am sorry for leaving some of you worried about us over the last few months. Honestly, I just couldn't do it. I thought about coming back and it just felt like too large of a task and the thought of reliving it was something that I couldn't face.

Twelve weeks later I am at least partially capable of dealing with the loss of Ronan publicly and I am happy to say that Corbin has done really well and has been home with us for almost 4 weeks now.

I don't know that I can write this as a story, it will probably come out a jumbled mess. So please be forgiving and kind about the mess that is my brain right now.

I left off telling everyone about my boys' birth and Ronan's death 15 hours later. Honestly, there are days that I am still in shock. He was so perfect and beautiful and his little lungs just weren't developed enough. We never got the autopsy report back and someday I will go looking for it through the red tape that the medical records department will undoubtedly put in the way, but for now I am ok with just knowing that his lungs weren't developed enough and that they couldn't get his blood pressure under control. I have a lot of regrets about the events of that night. A lot of what ifs. I try not to go there, but it's hard. Ronan is gone and all I have left is a tiny urn on a shelf in my bedroom.

I just want to share one picture of my sweet Ronan.

That picture was one of the last moments when I still thought that he would be ok. He had already started to deteriorate and had two chest tubes placed due to multiple pneumothoraces. He opened his eyes and held my hand though.  He lived and he knew his mommy. After this his blood pressure started to fall and  it was touch and go for hours. Ultimately he was given to us to hold and his heart stopped beating. We didn't have to make the decision to "unplug him," his little body just gave out. Those final moments will haunt me for the rest of  my life, but that is the one thing that I don't regret. I held my sweet boy and talked and sang to him for probably a half hour before he died. He passed away in my arms with his daddy's arms around both of us. God..I am sobbing as I write this. There is just non way to talk about the pain that we felt.

I will undoubtedly talk about Ronan in my future posts. I might also might write posts about loss and grief, but this will not turn into a baby loss blog. Our journey is too complicated for that. There are too many mixed emotions. The survival of  Corbin in no way diminishes my grief over the death of Ronan, but it does make it impossible for me to get lost in it. Just when I think that I can't possibly bear it, the thought of Corbin is there and the knowledge that he needs his mommy to  really be there pulls me back to reality. I am sure that most of my posts will be about Corbin because Corbin is here and it's easy to talk about him. Just about everything to do with Ronan is too personal, too private, too raw still. But please know that even when I'm not talking about him, he is there. Our lives have been irrevocably changed and there will forever remain a gaping hole in the fabric of our lives where he should have been. Ronan lived and  the world will never be the same because of that fact.

This post is incredibly long and disjointed already, but I want to share two photos of my survivor Corbin. He has come so far and he is such a blessing. I will talk about our NICU stay and the events of the past 12 weeks later, but for now I will let the pictures talk.

Corbin immediately after he was born

Corbin at 11 weeks old