Friday, December 7, 2012

Cycle 2 After Miscarriage

Well, last month was not our month. It is so hard knowing that I would be well into my second trimester right now and instead, here I am still not pregnant. Hopefully this month brings us good news. I can't even imagine how a new pregnancy would change Christmas for me and my husband. At the same time, I know that not being pregnant come Christmas will be it's own new load of pain. Most of the time I am okay. I'm never great, but most of the time I managed alright. However, there are so many times when I experience that stab of pain. In those moments it is like it is happening all over again, like I am losing my dream/future/child all over again.  I don't know if there is any way to explain how truly all encompassing the feeling of loss is. No one that knows about what happened asks how I'm doing anymore, most people never even knew I was pregnant, it is like it never happened. Maybe I should be over it...maybe it shouldn't hurt anymore...I don't know really, but I do know that I will never forget this loss. Women all over the world (estimates are as high as 1 in 4 pregnancies) experience this pain in silence and it's a truly awful thing to have to go through alone. Thank God for internet communities. I know this is a rambling post, but if anyone (now or in the future) reading this needs a shoulder to cry on please just ask and I will be there in whatever way I can. Hopefully in another week I will be able to post a happy post about BFPs and bright, happy futures, but for now this is my life and IT'S HARD.

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