Saturday, March 24, 2012

Starting a Family

Isn't that a funny phrase? I mean, we already are a family anyways. Nathan, the animals, and I. It really does feel like a family to me, but it feels incomplete somehow. That fact in itself is really amazing considering where my mindset was before we got married.
Gratuitous Wedding Picture Since I Said the Word "Married"
I went into my relationship with my husband with the plan and expectation that I would never have children. It's not that I don't/didn't like children, it's just that children require so much from a person and I didn't think that I wanted that for myself. My mom is honestly the best sort of mom that someone could be, but she gave up everything to be that. She moved across the country from her family to live in a safer place near my father's family, she worked hard at low paying jobs because that region didn't have any careers in her field, she stayed with my father for longer than she should have for us, after they finally got divorced she still stayed in the small town that we grew up in because she didn't want us to have to change schools as teenagers, and my sister and her 4 year old daughter are still living at home due to the economy. That's an awful lot of sacrifice. She never got to have the career she wanted or go back to school to start another one. She lived in an unfamiliar environment where she didn't know anyone, just because it was "a great place to have kids." Those big sacrifices, combined with the everyday sacrifices that moms have to make (no sleep, spending money on kids instead of yourself, stress and worry) are what made me decide that I didn't want to be a mom. It might sound selfish, but I didn't want to give up my life and the things that I love now to be a mom. You might be saying, "you don't have to give up everything," and I know that's true now, but at the time I think I was terrified. 

So my husband and I went into our marriage with a "I don't think kids are for us" sort of mindset. I told him that I didn't want any kids, but that "I reserve the right to change my mind in the future." Haha, "the future!" Honestly, it's hilarious thinking about it, because almost immediately after getting married I did a complete 180 and decided that I definitely wanted a child. We had a pregnancy scare a couple of months after getting married that made me really analyze my feelings on the issue. I wasn't pregnant, but the ramifications of the experience were monumental none the less. I realized that I was genuinely disappointed that we weren't having a baby and realized that I wanted one terribly. A few months of baby fever happened and after some talking we decided that we would have kids, just not yet. It was such a relief to know that Nathan was open to the idea, but the waiting was/is heart wrenching for me. I did end up getting my fur baby, Thor, as a "consolation prize."
Our Boston Terrier Thor

The puppy worked for a little while. He took up a lot of time, woke me up in the middle of the night to go outside, and wreaked havoc on our well-ordered house. We fell absolutely in love with him and in spite of his puppy antics, I wouldn't trade him for anything. He will always be my "baby dog," even though he's almost a year old now. However, now that he's trained and sleeps through the night baby fever has kicked in again. We had another scare and this time all I could think about was how desperately bad I hoped I was pregnant. I know that our financial situation is shaky right now, but I wanted nothing more in the world. That leads us up to the present, where negotiations are currently in progress to determine what steps we need to take to prepare our wallets, home, health, and relationship for a baby. I hope to share the results of these negotiations soon. 
Since I don't have a picture of an adorable baby to end this post with,
here is a picture of Thor as a puppy!

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