1st Dr. Appt- Early Due To Cramping

My stomach has been killing me for the last few days, not in the standard pregnancy "I'm gonna throw up" sort of way...but hurting. Honestly, I can't tell what the problem is. Maybe it's gas pain, maybe it's cramping, or maybe it's something else. I'm leaning towards gas pains, but they have been pretty severe and constant enough that I began to think that it might be something more. I called my new OB office to get in a few days earlier than my first scheduled prenatal appt (which was Friday). Since my stomach pain was low enough to be where cramps would be and more severe than menstrual cramps, they did an internal exam and ran some bloodwork.

Now, for those of you unfamiliar with what hormones a woman's body produces during pregnancy, this next part is not going to make a lot of  sense. I'll try to explain as I go, but I make no promises about the clarity (or accuracy!) of my explanation. After a woman ovulates and the egg is fertilized the ovary from which she ovulates produces progesterone. My doctor said that this hormone  relaxes the uterus so that when the egg implants it doesn't cramp out to get rid of the foreign body (aka, the baby). If your ovary doesn't produce enough progesterone, your uterus can cramp causing pain and potentially a miscarriage. So they are checking my progesterone levels. If they are low (should find out tomorrow) I will be put on progesterone suppositories to increase levels and, hopefully, keep my body from rejecting the little bean. They are also testing for HCG, which is the human pregnancy hormone. The amount of HCG in your blood increases as your pregnancy progresses at a predictable rate (it normally doubles in about 48 hours). They tested my HCG levels today (which I'll find out tomorrow) and they will test them again on Thursday to see if the HCG in  my blood is doubling the way it is supposed to. Last time, I found out that I was probably miscarrying when I had really low HCG levels and then that I was for sure miscarrying when they started decreasing.

Assuming that my levels are rising, once they reach between 1500-2000 a pregnancy should be visible on an ultrasound. So, as soon as my levels hit that magic range, I will have an ultrasound to make sure that the egg implanted in my uterus and not somewhere else (which would be an ectopic pregnancy, which is very dangerous for the woman and always fatal for the fetus).

So, that's where things stand right now. I am waiting to find out if my hormone levels are alright and hopefully make sure that this baby is growing. They also prescribed me some pain medication if I needed to take it, but I'm hoping to hold off on that. If you guys could keep me in your thoughts while I wait to find out how my little rainbow is doing I would really appreciate it!

Four Weeks!

I technically hit four weeks yesterday, but I think blogging my weekly posts on Friday will be easier to remember. Plus I didn't get around to taking a picture yesterday, so Fridays it is!! I can't explain how excited I am to be sharing this pregnancy with the world and record all the events big and small. Over the last few years I have read so many pregnancy and mommy blogs and couldn't wait until it was my turn.

As you already know, we found out that we were pregnant at 3 weeks and 6 days. That was just two days ago, but it already seems a world away! Here are the stats for this week, I'm just making the categories up as I go here so it might change a little from week to week.

Weight: 136 (Yes, I just told the entire world what my pre-pregnancy weight is....)
Due Date: August 22, 2013
Symptoms: Sore breasts, lack of appetite (I'm not really queasy or nauseous yet, just decidedly not hungry), morning insomnia (I can fall asleep no problem at night, but apparently I can't sleep in!), and that's about it for now!
Emotions: I am super excited to be pregnant and over all I am feeling pretty positive. Yeah, this is a really scary time, but for some reason I just FEEL like this pregnancy is going to go ok. That doesn't mean that the fear doesn't get to me every once in awhile, because it definitely does! However, I am trying to keep it under control and stay confident and upbeat that I will be a mommy in August!
Notable News or Events: Even though it was technically last week, finding out that we're pregnant!!
What Other People Are Saying About Baby/Pregnancy: My hubby called me his "babby momma" last night which made me laugh. Also my mom and sister have already started joking about all the symptoms yet to come. Everyone around me has been pretty positive too in spite of our history which is nice.

I am sure that I will add more categories like cravings, gender, etc. when they become more relevant, but for now we will keep it short and simple since it's so early in the pregnancy.

And now what you've all been waiting for...the photo! Since I'm only 4 weeks along, it's almost a pre-pregnancy photo, but there's a little bit of baby bloat there and I want this recorded so that I can compare all the pictures later.

So that's me, 4 weeks pregnant! Marriage added an unwelcome 15 pounds to my figure, but it is what it is and now is not the time to get self-conscious about weight. After all, I have a baby to grow. 

I couldn't help myself and tested again this morning. Since it was 2 days after the first test I was hoping for a darker line and it was!! As you can see from the photo (sorry the tests are upside down, whoops), I am more pregnant today than I was two days ago!

12/12/12 - BFP!!

I am so excited to say that today we got our BFP (or positive result on a pregnancy test, for those of you who aren't up to date on pregnancy acronyms)!!!

It's only a light second line, but that's clearly a positive people!!

We are so happy, like really over the moon happy. I had a feeling that this might be the month for about the last 5 days. I've had really sore breasts, which was my only symptom with the last pregnancy. I have also felt off and on queasy, not exactly nauseous...but my stomach isn't quite right. I know it's crazy and I will probably regret saying this later on, but I am really hoping for some morning sickness. I just want to KNOW that I am pregnant and symptoms would be great for my peace of mind.

Of course I am absolutely terrified about how this will  turn out, but I am feeling surprisingly hopeful at the same time. Yeah, we had a miscarriage...and yes, I know that another one is possible, but our odds of having a second miscarriage aren't any higher than they were of having the first one. This is a fresh start and I am going to try my hardest to think positive thoughts. My first appointment is with a nurse practitioner on the 21st, so it's going to be a long week and a half wait until then. I'm going to push for having a couple quantitative HCG blood tests done for peace of mind (tests that determine the exact amount of pregnancy hormone in your system). I know that if I'm going to lose the pregnancy, I'm going to lose it...there isn't really anything that can be done about it. I am just going to take this one day at a time. I miscarried so early on last time that this next week and a half will be absolutely terrifying, but this is a different pregnancy and I am hoping for a different outcome.

Since I now have something to write about, I really do intend on updating this blog more often. I know that it isn't anything special and currently no one reads it, but I would love to document this momentous time in our lives. I am also hoping to meet some mommy friends and keep my family updated about how things are going  once I break the news to them. I am already thinking about how to tell them, I will write a post about my ideas on here soon.

Here's to hoping that 12/12/12 was a lucky day for everyone else out there, I know it was for us!!! How did you survive the stress of the first trimester? Any tips for getting your worries under control!

2012 Christmas Photos

After my last depressing post, I thought that I should share some of the happier parts of my life as well. It's not all awful! In fact, most of the time I am very content. I love my little family so much, so I thought I'd share some of our Christmas photos with you. I took these and they haven't been edited, so it's nothing spectacular...but it's us and I love them!

I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and my adoring Thor dog! I would say that I was lucky to have the cats, but we're currently dealing with some anger issues that apparently mean it's ok to go potty outside of the litter box....

Cycle 2 After Miscarriage

Well, last month was not our month. It is so hard knowing that I would be well into my second trimester right now and instead, here I am still not pregnant. Hopefully this month brings us good news. I can't even imagine how a new pregnancy would change Christmas for me and my husband. At the same time, I know that not being pregnant come Christmas will be it's own new load of pain. Most of the time I am okay. I'm never great, but most of the time I managed alright. However, there are so many times when I experience that stab of pain. In those moments it is like it is happening all over again, like I am losing my dream/future/child all over again.  I don't know if there is any way to explain how truly all encompassing the feeling of loss is. No one that knows about what happened asks how I'm doing anymore, most people never even knew I was pregnant, it is like it never happened. Maybe I should be over it...maybe it shouldn't hurt anymore...I don't know really, but I do know that I will never forget this loss. Women all over the world (estimates are as high as 1 in 4 pregnancies) experience this pain in silence and it's a truly awful thing to have to go through alone. Thank God for internet communities. I know this is a rambling post, but if anyone (now or in the future) reading this needs a shoulder to cry on please just ask and I will be there in whatever way I can. Hopefully in another week I will be able to post a happy post about BFPs and bright, happy futures, but for now this is my life and IT'S HARD.

Trying to Conceive After A Miscarriage

I know that it has been months since I last posted and so many things have changed. We purchased, renovated, and moved into our new home. We also started trying to conceive in August and found out we were pregnant in September. On September 19 I miscarried my first pregnancy. It was awful and yet I am still here. I was only 5.5 weeks pregnant, but I was still an emotional train wreck. I wanted that baby...more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. The second I saw that first positive pregnancy test, I was in love. Sure, I knew that the odds of a miscarriage are startlingly high...but, as usual, I just didn't think it would happen to me. Well it did...and it was awful...and I survived it.

This  isn't a post about the miscarriage, but about moving on after it. When it happens, everyone tells you "at least you can try again." There were lots of days when that thought didn't help at all, where it seemed to belittle my loss. I didn't want to try again, I wanted the baby that I had lost. Yet, as the weeks went on, it did start to help. In fact, it became all I could think about. I don't want to replace the one that we lost, but after knowing the depth of the love that sprung up just from knowing that I was pregnant (before any real signs or symptoms even existed), I can't imagine my life without a child. I want to know the full depth of a mother's love.

We took the month of October off, my doctor said to wait one cycle before trying to conceive. Now, I am in the wonderful "two week wait" part of our first cycle trying again. For now, we are just trying to time it right. I am not doing basal body temperatures or ovulation predictor kits, but that might be in my future. My feelings are so mixed this time around. I am excited at the thought of trying to get pregnant, but I am also  terrified. I know that a 15% chance is a bigger than it seems and that this type of loss is harder than I could have imagined before. However, I also know how badly I want this future and the risk of loss is more than worth the chance at having a family.

So that's where I am at right now. I am moving on, going forward with our plans, and trying to conceive again after a miscarriage. I am hoping for a rainbow after the storm.

Our House Wish List

We had a very specific list of requirements that our future home would need to meet. Some of these we ultimately compromised on, but during our search this list was both our best friend and worst enemy. We knew exactly what we needed and many houses were never considered because one or more of these "non-negotiables" were missing.

We wanted our new house to have:

• At least one acre of land (the more, the better)
• Some privacy 
• A smaller mortgage payment than the house we currently live in (which left us looking at foreclosures and short sales)
• More than 1500 square feet
• 3+ bedrooms
• 2+ bathrooms
• No more than a 30 minute commute to my husband's workplace
• Access to either cable or DSL high speed internet

In the end, we were able to find a house that met all but one of these initial requirements. We ended up being forced to compromise on internet access. I will be writing a post on rural internet access in the very near future, because it's a very frustrating and surprising predicament. 

It took us about three months of constant searching to find THE house. Price, location, land, and internet ended up being very limiting and prolonged the search. We had our fair share of frustrations (there were houses that sold before we could even see them) and compromises were definitely made in the end. In spite of all challenges, I'm glad  that we stuck by our list and ended up with this lovely home.

What would be on your list of "non-negotiables" if you were looking to buy a new home?