I know that it has been months since I last posted and so many things have changed. We purchased, renovated, and moved into our new home. We also started trying to conceive in August and found out we were pregnant in September. On September 19 I miscarried my first pregnancy. It was awful and yet I am still here. I was only 5.5 weeks pregnant, but I was still an emotional train wreck. I wanted that baby...more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. The second I saw that first positive pregnancy test, I was in love. Sure, I knew that the odds of a miscarriage are startlingly high...but, as usual, I just didn't think it would happen to me. Well it did...and it was awful...and I survived it.
This isn't a post about the miscarriage, but about moving on after it. When it happens, everyone tells you "at least you can try again." There were lots of days when that thought didn't help at all, where it seemed to belittle my loss. I didn't want to try again, I wanted the baby that I had lost. Yet, as the weeks went on, it did start to help. In fact, it became all I could think about. I don't want to replace the one that we lost, but after knowing the depth of the love that sprung up just from knowing that I was pregnant (before any real signs or symptoms even existed), I can't imagine my life without a child. I want to know the full depth of a mother's love.
We took the month of October off, my doctor said to wait one cycle before trying to conceive. Now, I am in the wonderful "two week wait" part of our first cycle trying again. For now, we are just trying to time it right. I am not doing basal body temperatures or ovulation predictor kits, but that might be in my future. My feelings are so mixed this time around. I am excited at the thought of trying to get pregnant, but I am also terrified. I know that a 15% chance is a bigger than it seems and that this type of loss is harder than I could have imagined before. However, I also know how badly I want this future and the risk of loss is more than worth the chance at having a family.
So that's where I am at right now. I am moving on, going forward with our plans, and trying to conceive again after a miscarriage. I am hoping for a rainbow after the storm.
